[Mandy Edwards]

And another ….

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[Mandy Edwards]

Another (modified) Villinaire I wrote on Christmas Eve…

I can’t believe it’s Christmas Eve,
As I start ticking off my list,
Of all the things that I’ve achieved!

Tho’ time has flown; I cannot grieve,
For chances missed; I did my best!
And here I am. It’s Christmas Eve!.

So many times I’ve not believed!
And yet the strength I’ve found in me,
Must top the things that I’ve achieved.

Life’s contradictions tried to cleave,
My mind to bits; but I held firm.
And now, by God, it’s Christmas Eve!

My back is strong; my legs are lean;
I’ve tried new tasks; I dared to dream,
Of all the things I could achieve!

And yet I will not be deceived;
Still things to do. Still time to be.
But here I am on Christmas Eve,
So pleased with all that I’ve achieved.

(Mandy Edwards (c) 2018

 

 

[Mandy Edwards]

Borrowed Glasses

I peer at you through borrowed glasses.
Inexplicably, I have left mine behind.

Magnification does not bring you closer.
Rather, you are blurred. Out of focus,

A bit like Piha beach on my arrival,
Obscured by mist.

I blink rapidly. Suddenly exhausted.
Bone weary.
What is happening to me?

I smile mutely; greet my old friends
Shyness and Self-doubt; unsure
how to join in the conversation.

You notice me, and gesture, Come.

And like a fledgling returned to its nest,
I settle beneath your wing.

Now it seems safe to be real.

You ask me gently,
What have I come for. What do I need.
What do I want?

The enormity of these questions
Silences me.
And my heart spins wildly on its axis
As I search for the answer. Love.

I think I’m here for love.

And as I peer through borrowed glasses,
I let the world be blurred and out of focus;

So I can clear see, My Self.

Amanda Edwards (c) 2019

[Mandy Edwards]

Borrowed Glasses

I peer at you through borrowed glasses.
Inexplicably, I have left mine behind.

Magnification doesn’t bring you closer.
Rather, you are blurred. Out of focus;

A bit like Piha beach when I arrived,
Obscured by mist.

I blink rapidly. Suddenly exhausted.
Bone weary.
I don’t know what is happening to me.

I smile mutely; greet my old friends,
Shyness and Self doubt; unsure how
to join in the conversation.

You notice me and gesture, Come.

And like a fledgling returning to the nest,
I settle beneath your wing.

Now it is safe to become real.

You ask me gently,
What have you come for? What do you need?
What do you want?

The enormity of these questions
Silences me.
And my heart spins wildly on its axis
As I search for the answer. Love.

I think I’m here for love.

And as I peer through borrowed glasses,
I let the world be blurred and out of focus

So I can clearly see, My Self.

Amanda Edwards (c) 2019

[Mandy Edwards]

Return to Lonely Bay

Lonely Bay, we meet again.
Two years we’ve been apart.
Back then I gazed upon your shores,
With sadness in my heart.

I wondered then, “Why lonely?”
Alone perhaps, that’s true,
But lonely, nay, that could not be,
‘Twas me just feeling blue.

That day your beach lay empty,
No footprints to be seen,
And something deep inside of me,
Recognised this scene.

Perhaps your truth and beauty,
Laid bare for all to see,
Permitted me to enter,
The lonely bay inside of me.

Lonely Bay, I thank you,
For reminding me once more,
Of that sacred invitation
To rest, reflect, explore:

The depths of my emotions,
The fears that oft arise,
And gently let them spill,
Into the sea’s outgoing tide.

Mandy Edwards (c) 2020

I played with this poem during lockdown at our bach in the Coromandel … Cooks Beach. I visited Lonely Bay wirh my son. And I think I have finally written what I needed to say. I wrote an earlier poem called, ‘Lonely Bay’ but I wonder if this second poem can stand alone.

[Janice Marriott]

Great to see your poems up here.

[Mandy Edwards]

It has been a life changing 14 months … possibly since I last posted here! I have trained for Ironman, shifted to the Coromandel, supported my Dad during his passing in November and tried to stay connected to my Mum who has Alzheimers and is in Palmerston North hospital care at the moment. I have also changed jobs and currently am relief teaching which is fairly sporadic in Coromandel Town.

My Mum’s situation has inspired some poetry which I’d like to share. Here is the first:

Oh Mama.

They say, they can’t control her,
I say,
Let her anger have its voice.

They say, she cannot be contained,
I say,
Her mind is a cage.
Let her spirit be free.

They say, she won’t fit in, here,
I say,
Why need she pretend anymore?

They say, she will not eat,
I say,
She hungers for so much more than food.

They say, she will not sleep,
I say,
Let her rest upon your shoulder.

They say, she cries all day,
I say,
Tears are transformative.

Nevertheless,
My heart feels broken.

They say, her singing is like Mae West;
She says, “Do not compare me. I am myself.”

So proud of you, Mama.

I gaze into her eyes, and say,
I love you,
She says, You are a sweet, sweet girl, Mandy.

Oh, Mama.

Mandy Edwards, (c) 2021

#alzheimersawareness #alzheimersnz

[Mandy Edwards]

Thank you, Janice. x

[Mandy Edwards]

Gentle Hands

I’m a little scared to visit, Mama,
‘Cause I’m not sure who I’ll find;
A face that has a ‘knowing look’,
Or a lost and puzzled mind.

I know I mustn’t say, Mama,
Do you remember when?
Your head will soon start hurting,
As you search for a long lost ‘friend.’

Yet sometimes there are fragments,
And echoes from the past,
That light up those blue blue eyes,
And there ‘you’ are at last.

I shall remember, with God’s grace,
These moments we have had,
The hugs, the smiles, the laughter,
That far outweigh the ‘bad.’

Sometimes you are a frightened child,
And scream your terror out,
Sometimes you push us all away,
Unable to be helped.

I tell you, Mama, “Gentle hands,”
Remember to be kind,
A special memory from the heart,
I’m sure that you will find.

Today, you got some rest, Mama,
Gripping Steven’s thumb,
Like a child seeking comfort,
Yet still our precious, Mum.

Mandy Edwards (c) 2021

#alzheimersnz #alzheimersawareness

[Mandy Edwards]

And the third one for Mum.

 

Don’t say, Goodbye

Let me take you by the hand,
Feel my touch and understand,
That I will never let you go,
While you peacefully slumber so.

Let me gently stroke your brow,
Until you soon remember how,
To close your eyes, relax
And know,
That you will never be alone.

Let me wipe away your tears,
When you wake to unknown fears,
And we won’t talk about the past,
But let this present moment last.

Let us not, say, “Goodbye,”
That’s a far too permanent cry,
Rather, you say, “See you later,”
Our loving, still all-knowing, ‘Mater.’

So hard for us to walk away,
Yet you make it seem okay,
And know that while we live apart,
We still reside within your heart.

Mandy Edwards (c) 2021

#alzheimersawareness #alzheimersnz #loveyou

[Janice Marriott]

Very fine, Mandy. thanks for sharing it.